I am just starting my oldest’s bar mitzvah planning and the first topic I am excited to explore is B’nai Mitzvah Planning: Should The Guest List or the Venue Come First? Our synagogue gives each B’nai Mitzvah family a planning guide. At 12 months out we are supposed to select and reserve the venue, if you’re choosing to have a celebratory party after the bar or bat mitzvah. It’s the first task for this lifecycle that the parents are responsible for other than selecting the bar mitzvah date (yes, I know my bar mitzvah has been working hard for this event for years already!). But when I started looking at venues I started to instantly get overwhelmed. How would I know what what size or type of venue I would need without first figuring out at least a tentative guest list?
Need to Know Tentative Numbers
Most of the B’nai Mitzvah planning articles I read seemed to suggest finding your venue first and dealing with the guest list closer to the party. I totally understand how many things involving people can change in a year. But I had absolutely no idea how many people we might have at our party! Since most venues have a maximum capacity, it’s important you choose a venue that can accommodate all your guests.
Your guest list might also determine what type of venue you look for. If you realize you want or only need a smaller party, that would open up many different types of venues (such as restaurants, small reception halls, backyards, etc.). I realized there was really no way I could choose a venue without having a tentative idea of how many people we might be hosting for this event.
Surprise: Required Guests!
It also turns out that, at least in our community, you’re required to invite certain people. The big surprise for me was that we are required to invite every B’nai Mitzvah classmate AND their entire family. Wow! That took my guest list of family, close family friends and my bar mitzvah’s friends and really really added to it! And he is only one of seven B’nai Mitzvah students his year. My daughter, whose bat mitzvah will be in four years, already has 16 students in her class!
The goal of inviting all b’nai mitzvah classmates is to create a close community of b’nai mitzvah students and families. I love the reasoning behind this requirement. But it was not something I considered until I read our synagogue’s B’nai Mitzvah Planning Guide. If this is something your synagogue also requires, it’s important to know from the beginning, before you book any venues. It can make a huge difference in the number of guests you will need to accommodate.
Who Might Actually Attend?
Since I really didn’t have an idea of the number of guests we were considering, I first started with writing out all the tentative guests and letting excel do the math for me. Then I went one step further—I added a column of how many people from that guest family are likely to attend. We are of course inviting our extended family, many who live all over the country. I know b’nai mitzvahs are a time when many extended family members fly from all over the world to attend the lifecycle event and celebration. But … as I stared at my list, there were definitely family members who I doubted would make the trip. Which is fine, it’s just how our extended family works. But it was important to know this before booking a venue because it did change the final expected guest list total and may allow us to book a smaller venue now knowing this number.
Priority Setting: Inviting my Bar Mitzvah’s Friends
One of our top priorities for this celebration is for it to truly celebrate our child. That means it’s important to allow my kiddo to invite his friends. We haven’t even begun to think about our budget for his bar mitzvah and the guest list is of course a huge factor in the budget (and vice versa!) but I wanted an idea of the number of close friends with whom he wanted to share his special day now.
As we get closer to the event, or if we fall in love with a venue that has a maximum capacity that our tentative guest list might exceed, we can of course sit down and have serious discussions about who’s on the guest list. But for this first draft I wanted to be generous and realistic and then see how it matches up with the venues we will consider.
Guest List Template
There are a lot of guest list templates available on the internet. But if you’re looking for one more, here’s the one I created. I did it in excel so that it would do the math for me. And I listed out the usual types of guests (family, family friends, B’nai Mitzvah friends) and the ones our synagogue requires (rabbi, songleaders/cantor, Hebrew tutor, B’nai Mitzvah classmates and their families). Your types of guests may be a little different—customize however it works best for you!
Did I leave out any category that you think is essential? Please let me know!
One Task Complete!
This was the first real step I took in planning my son’s bar mitzvah and having this one task already complete feels really good! I know the final guest list will change. In fact, my guy starts a new school just a couple months before his bar mitzvah. I am definitely setting aside some additional guest list spots so he can invite new friends he makes next year. But I feel much more prepared to start looking at various venues now that we have a rough estimate of how many guests we might host at this special party.
When I first saw the planning list recommending to reserve the venue one year from the bar mitzvah date I really had no idea what I wanted or should look for. For me, it was important to at least have a tentative guest list so I could look at venues that could accommodate our needed size. There are other important considerations related to the venue that I look forward to exploring in real life, and on this website!, but I feel so good to at least have a handle on the tentative guest list!
If you’ve planned a b’nai mitzvah before I’m curious to know what you chose to do first–choose the venue or write out your guest list? Any other essential guest list tips we should all consider?
Check out our B’nai Mitzvah Planning page! On it you will find inspiration, knowledge and helpful tips all about the b’nai mitzvah process!
And did you know that PJ Library has a podcast that talks about b’nai mitzvahs? Check it out here!!
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Having planned a Bar Mitzvah, Bat Mitzvah and a wedding, hands down …venue first, then guest list.❤️
Oh, last event was at Crystal Palace in Livingston, NJ… Iris the MaiterD was fabulous!