It’s December … the month my Jewish kids feel like outsiders.
We are already deep into the talk of being the other, of not celebrating Christmas, of not hanging lights on our house, of not singing songs or reading books about Santa or reindeer. So many nots! Of course my kids aren’t alone, many families don’t celebrate Christmas, but to my kids it sure feels like they are the only ones who don’t get to do these things.
It doesn’t help that my son is the only Jewish kid at his school. Sure, a couple kids have a parent who is Jewish. But most of them don’t practice, they definitely don’t join us at synagogue and they for sure celebrate Christmas in their house as well. For that matter, most (maybe all?) of the kids in my son’s Sunday school class are like that as well. Yes, we live in a suburban smallish city in Northern California. We go to a tiny (but public!) school. Our synagogue isn’t that big. But still, it’s really hard to feel separate from all the other happy kids during this month.
The Santa Invasion
Yesterday my eight year old son was in an awful mood from the time I picked him up at school. Snarly face, stompy feet, bad attitude. It’s a total red flag for when something has happened at school. It was such a mean mess but the truth of what hurt him didn’t come out until almost bedtime. It’s totally his M.O., my sensitive kid who doesn’t want to look, or even feel, sensitive.
So I knew something was up. Subtle asking didn’t tell me. Direct questions didn’t either. So I waited. And as I cooked dinner I got my answer:
“Ima, today for our writing assignment we had to write a letter to Santa telling him what we wanted for Christmas. I told [my teacher] I didn’t celebrate Christmas, that I celebrated Hanukkah. I wrote a Hanukkah letter to [my Sunday school teacher] instead.”
My boy. My sweet, sensitive boy. What chutzpah he has! I am so proud that he didn’t freak out at school, that he calmly but respectfully told the teacher that this assignment didn’t align with his beliefs and that he was creative, and sweet, enough to think of such a lovely alternative.
The Inevitable Anger and Sadness
But I’m mad. I’m sad too but I’m super mad. Why was this assignment even in a public school? Yes, Santa is not a religious symbol. But we all know it’s so closely tied to Christmas, which is a religious holiday, even if lots of people say it isn’t. There are so many more thoughtful and meaningful writing prompts that could be used during this time of year. Ones that don’t make a child feel like an outsider. And ones that don’t put the focus on presents because ew, that’s not what I want my children obsessing about during the holidays either!
When my husband came home from work, I shared this story with him. After special time he brought it up with our son. And finally my baby boy opened up. He hates being the only Jew at school. He’s sad that he doesn’t celebrate Christmas. He’s mad he’s not like all the other kids. Yes, he loves Hanukkah and it was a special time for him. He enjoyed our activities, the candles, the food and of course the presents. But it’s still different. He still feels different and angry and sad.
By no means is our child the first to experience these feelings. Children feel like outsiders in so many ways. I know this, I get it, but this experience with my baby still hurts this mama’s heart.
What Can Us Jewish Parents Do To Make This December Dilemma More Manageable?
I don’t have the perfect answer about how to deal with this dilemma. Since my oldest turned 3 it’s been an issue every December. I know this but I’m still mad and sad when situations like this come up.
I wish for our school to teach more about the many different cultures instead of choosing one to be mainstream. And to not highlight holidays in such obvious, materialistic ways (yes, Santa I have a problem with you! Sorry, not sorry!). My daughter’s preschool actually does a pretty good job of this. They did a whole unit on candles and different cultures and holidays that use candles. It was sweet. It was beautiful. It felt inclusive. Why can’t the big kid schools get this too?
So I’m still sad cat about all this. But I did my due diligence google search, like I do every December. I read the articles and try to feel more prepared about the situation. I’ve shared some resources with you below. And my husband and I came up with a plan for our family.
Our Family’s Plan
My husband and I reasserted our plan to make this time of year special for our children in other ways:
- Eating Chinese food on Christmas Day. Yes, it’s a stereotype but it’s one that we can point to as a tradition for many Jews. It’s a way that connects us and shows the kids we are not alone. Sadly, we found out a few years ago that our town doesn’t have any Chinese restaurants that are open on Christmas Day! So we have to schlep to the next big city about 30 minutes away. And perhaps that in itself also makes this tradition a little more special.
- Having a special family adventure on Christmas Day, either the beach or a family hike. We used to always go to our special beach on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day but last year we tried a family hike instead. Both experiences were sweet and fun. We hope to emphasize the specialness of these days off to spend together doing these memorable activities together.
- We will create Winter Break goals, or a bucket list. As a family, we will come up with different goals for the break. It can be big goals, like go to the Zoo or the beach, or smaller ones, like having that family game night. We hope that by choosing family activities that everyone agrees on, we can all look forward to the specialness of having this time together.
I hope this is a way to approach this time of year with an open heart, feeling the same love and joy all month long as I felt last week as I looked at all our hanukkiyot lit so proudly and in beauty.
December Dilemma Resources
Here are some of the articles I read during this most recent December dilemma and sad face interaction:
- ADL’s The December Dilemma: December Holiday Guidelines for Public School
- My Jewish Learning’s The December Dilemma
- Ritualwell’s Happy Holidays? Understanding December Dilemmas in the Context of Jewish Family Memories
- The Mercury New’s Explaining Christmas to a Jewish child
- The Washington Post’s My Jewish child was asked to wear a Santa hat at school. Should I care?
How do you handle the December dilemma? Do you, or your children, feel like outsiders at school and in your community? What can we do to empower our children (and ourselves!) to feel pride in themselves and their culture as well as love and support for their non-Jewish neighbor?
